every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
