I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
