Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
