we have pet lesbian snakes
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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