Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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