the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize