i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
