I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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