just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
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Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill