even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
