Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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