So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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