i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
