she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
