video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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