I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
