cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
