I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
