Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
