I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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