its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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