Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Randomize
