How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
