So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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