our cab driver is having phone sex.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
