They should really pass out barf bags in church
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
