You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
