before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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