I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
