apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
