She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
worst night to have a conscience
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
