just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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