Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's rum buckets o'clock
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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