wrigley field is MILF paradise
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
