No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
