Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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