my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
then he tried to convert me to islam
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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