I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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