Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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