in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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