Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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