1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
