You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
