I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
