Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm too high and old for this...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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