I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
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She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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