I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
