I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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