i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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