Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
false alarm, still single
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
