No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
