somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Randomize
