Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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