Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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