why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
