so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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