If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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