he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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