You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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