wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
