Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
