you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
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Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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